You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you! Isaiah 26:3
This scripture immediately brings to mind a song by the well-known gospel artist named Donnie McClurkin, titled “That’s What I Believe!” The opening line declares, “Lord, You promised if I keep my mind on You, You'd keep me in perfect peace.” As I lay here this morning, I'm still reminiscing about a joyful moment and a recent Facebook post from yesterday that vividly illustrates how God has indeed preserved my perfect peace.
A lot of my friends and associates know my testimony, but there are others who haven't heard it yet. Here's a short version for those who may be unfamiliar with what I'm talking about:
There are events in life that catch us off guard, and for me, Wednesday, June 13, 2007, was one of those moments. It marked the darkest day of my life. I have revisited the report many times, and each time, the words cut deep into my heart. A portion reads, "a preliminary investigation found that Orlandus McLaughlin had been playing with relatives at the home, (Address Listed), when he apparently ran into a knife held by a youth who was cleaning up, police said!" Orlandus, my big brother, and I, the younger sibling, experienced an unexpected turn of events on a usual summer morning. What started as a calm day soon transformed into a chaotic situation, becoming my worst nightmare. The peaceful morning took a sudden twist when my brother and I unintentionally collided as we turned the same corner from opposite directions. and the knife that I was carrying in my hand pierced his lower side while everything else in my hands fell to the floor! At that instant, I was unaware of the situation until I heard him shout my name while jumping and clutching his side... Without delving into specifics, we took immediate action! He was airlifted to the hospital and underwent emergency surgery, but unfortunately, he did not survive the injury. A critical blood vessel had been irreparably punctured! Not only was he my brother, but he was also my closest confidant. Our intertwined lives left us no option but to rely on each other. He proudly declared to everyone that I was his little sister, and I was equally proud to call him my big brother. The detectives bombarded me with questions that haunted me for a long time. At just 16 years old, I found myself grappling with a sudden accident and a tragic event. Nothing seemed to add up! I can still recall the moment the police arrived, securing the area and inquiring about the responsible party. With tears streaming down my face, I raised my hands and confessed, "It was me, sir, but it was an accident. Please, tell me he will be okay!" The officer promptly separated me from the group, distributing sheets of white paper and instructing us to jot down what transpired. In that moment of desperation, I recall pleading, "God, please save my brother! I'll do anything you ask! Just save him, please! I'll care for him forever, God! Please, just please!" From that day on, my familiar life vanished, and I was left feeling numb. Voices became silent, depression, isolation, the desire to take my life, anger, frustration, bitterness, and rage just to name a few all became a part of my life! It's needless to say that after I prayed earnestly to God to save my brother, I was confident in His ability to do so. However, upon receiving the devastating news, my question to God changed to why. Why did this happen? Why didn't you intervene? Despite knowing His power, I felt abandoned by God (just being honest here). The news shattered my heart, leaving me in deep pain and confusion, leading to anger and resentment towards God. It was at that moment I doubted my faith. Correct! If you had asked me almost 17 years ago if I believed, my response would have been a firm "NO!" I questioned how a benevolent God could permit individuals to face such tragic situations. (Eventually, I discovered that rain falls on both the righteous and the unrighteous.) 17 years ago, the plan I had for my life was death! I quickly mastered the art of concealing my pain. I understood that if my usual routine displayed any hint of struggle, I would be sent to a counselor. If I revealed my true suicidal thoughts, the same would happen, possibly a facility! I chose to stay quiet and hide my emotions – the guilt, the shame, and the burden of feeling like my mother might hold me responsible. I was not only struggling with thoughts and guilt about how my mom might have perceived me, but I was also dealing with insensitive comments from other children such as, “you killed your brother!” It was an incredibly challenging journey and I attempted to bury it all deep down. The idea of facing someone who might analyze me was the last thing I desired. I knew I needed help, I knew I was dying on the inside. However, no words or medication could mend my broken heart. I felt completely disconnected from the world for a little over two years – that was my journey. I had a battlefield going on in my mind! Take my life or not to take my life, a question that troubled me daily! I found no purpose in living!
Somehow, I ended up at Union University in Jackson, TN (All glory to God, of course). I was offered a basketball scholarship after high school but chose a different college since Union was a Christian University. At the time, being a nonbeliever, a Christian University was not in my plans at all! It's funny how we try to tell God what we won't do, isn't it? God orchestrated events that brought me back to Union University. Upon attending, my coach showed great commitment to his faith. Our locker room brimmed with scripture, team devotion was a must, and he always seized any chance to discuss Christ! I recall sitting in his office, pondering his question, "Do you believe?" At that moment, my identity and beliefs were uncertain. However, he didn't hesitate to share scriptures and engage in meaningful conversations. Little did I know, I would soon rely on that faith! Truly, God is amazing! After that, I experienced another unsettling night when my thoughts were troubled. I was exhausted from feeling unwell all the time. I caught myself shouting and crying, once again lost in deep contemplation to take my life. This time, I chose a bottle of pills as my preferred method of ending my life. Amidst overwhelming emotions, I recalled the words my coach had once shared with me. In that instant, I cried out, "If you are real, save me, Jesus! I don't want to endure this. God, if you exist, relieve me of these feelings, take away this pain!" Surprisingly, it was in that precise moment that I had a genuine encounter with Jesus! In an instant, a sense of peace washed over me, a feeling beyond words! This is the kind of God I believe in – one who grants a peace that goes beyond comprehension. At that moment, I found solace in the prayer of David.
“Hear my cry, O God; listen to my prayer. From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to the rock that is higher than I.” Psalm 61:1-2 NIV
In January 2010, at my lowest point, I encountered my Savior! Jesus appeared to me in my dorm room! It was there that I gave my life to Him! The path hasn't been easy, but it has been incredibly fulfilling and worthwhile! As you read these words today, you are glimpsing into the life of a woman who has found immense joy and wholeheartedly devoted herself to Christ! My happiness and existence are sincere! God has embraced me! He saved me! When I decided to follow Him, even though it seemed illogical at the time, I took the leap of faith! I once felt hopeless, but in Him, I found hope again.
Today, I am a proud wife with an adorable son! Just yesterday, I proudly posted on Facebook about cutting a pineapple for my son using a real knife in our kitchen while he watched and I felt not a hint of fear. Just to provide context, it took years before I could use a real knife, especially with others present. I've always chosen to use a butter knife. When my husband and I got married and moved into our first apartment, I don't remember us having a proper set of knives, or if we did, they were kept in a hidden cabinet. When we moved into our home, I bought our first set of real knives and instead of hiding them in the cabinet, I displayed them on the counter. Therefore, using a real knife in the kitchen without any fear while my son is around is definitely a reason to shout! Phew! All the glory goes to God. Upon reflection, I realize that God has faithfully fulfilled every promise in His word. He has always been by my side, never abandoning me, and has certainly granted me a peaceful mind. Last Sunday, my pastor emphasized the importance of never becoming too familiar with God. To keep sharing your testimony with that same passionate fire. For this testimony, I am forever grateful to God and will always hold Him in high regard!
I'm uncertain about the challenges you've faced, but take a moment to observe your surroundings - do you feel peaceful? Are you at peace? Simply cutting up a pineapple brought me joy and praise! God transformed my sorrow into joyous dancing, and if you haven't felt that kind of happiness and serenity, my hope is that your breakthrough comes to you soon! I'll share with you how I began this blog, “You will keep in perfect peace all who trust in you, all whose thoughts are fixed on you!” Isaiah 26:3
Keep your mind on Jesus! You can trust him! He always keeps his promises!
With love and joy,
LaTesa Douglas
Comments